Not Over You
by Bensidylove17
Summary: What if Olivia and Brian could find a way to make it work? Post Downloaded Child. Bensidy. ONE SHOT.


**A/N: So this is my take on what should happen in the finale, as a followup to the heart breaking final scene in Downloaded Child. Hopefully the writers do something at least similar b/c I cannot handle the thought of Brian Cassidy never returning or the thought of Olivia Benson with anyone else really. Also I wrote this before last night's episode aired so the information about Lewis isn't entirely accurate. I don't own the characters, Dick Wolf does. And Gavin DeGraw owns the song lyrics. You can leave me a review here or on Twitter Dimonkey17. Thanks :)**

_And if I had the chance to renew  
You know there isn't a thing I wouldn't do  
I could get back on the right track  
But only if you'd be convinced_

The steady spring rain pelted heavily against the windows, the only noise in the otherwise silent apartment. It had been raining for days and gave no indication of letting up any time soon. At least for now the heavy wind gusts had subsided bringing an end to the eerie howling noises. Daylight had faded hours ago and were it not for the light from a lone street lamp bathing the living room in a soft glow, the inhabitant of the apartment would be sitting in complete darkness.

Olivia had come home from work at midday, needing to get away from her squad mates' drama for a few hours, with the intention of getting her paperwork done in the privacy of her own home. But now hours later she sat in a pair of yoga pants and one of Brian's sweatshirts in the exact same position on the couch as she had when she first arrived home, her feet curled up underneath her, a cup of lukewarm tea in her hands. Her paperwork was untouched. As was the plate of food that rested on the coffee table in front of her.

It had been exactly five weeks today since Brian moved the last of his belongings out of their apartment. Thirty five days. 840 hours. 50,400 minutes. Olivia, not usually one for math, knew those numbers by heart. She would never forget the feeling as she watched him walk out that door for the final time, head down, his cow skull under his arm, pulling a rolling suitcase with his other hand. It was no doubt the deepest loss she had ever felt and she knew a huge piece of her heart walked out the door with Brian that day.

_Olivia silently watched as Brian made his way around the half empty apartment gathering up his remaining items as he went. A stray pair of shoes, a couple of CDs, a bottle of shampoo, his winter jacket, and the infamous cow skull, among other things. All the rest of his belongings had already been moved to the hotel where he was staying for now. The bigger items were being stored at his mother's house until he could find a new apartment. _

_He managed to stuff everything into the large suitcase he had brought with him except for the skull. Taking one last look around the place he had called home for the last six months and seeing nothing else of his, he zipped the suitcase up and got to his feet._

_The moment of truth was upon them and Brian wasn't quite sure how to handle it. He looked to Olivia hoping she would take the lead in this moment. But the pain he saw reflected in her eyes mirrored the heartache he was feeling in his own soul. Clearly this was uncharted territory for both of them and neither one knew how to proceed. Unlike in a typical breakup they hadn't fallen out of love. The feelings were still there in every touch, every look, every word. They just had very different visions for their future._

_Brian finally unable to take the crushing silence any longer broke the stalemate in a voice that came out as nothing more than a raspy whisper. "Well I guess I should be going."_

_The finality of his words hit Olivia like a ton of bricks and a single tear escaped from her eye, tracing its way down her cheek. She tried to respond but when she opened her mouth no words came out. What could she say? He already knew she loved him and always would. And she was too proud to beg him to stay. To try to force him into a life he didn't want._

_So instead she just nodded before crossing the room until she was standing directly in front of him. She wanted him to always remember what it felt like to have her lips on his. Standing on tip toes she leaned in and placed one last passion filled kiss on his lips, lingering as his body responded to hers, his tongue seeking entrance to her mouth, which she gladly granted. The usual urgency and intensity was gone, replaced by melancholic intimacy. The kiss lasted almost a minute but felt like it was over in the blink of an eye. _

_It was obvious neither of them wanted the kiss to end, but it was Brian who finally pulled away, not trusting himself to not take things further if the kiss continued much longer. He grabbed her face in his hands and placed one last kiss on the side of her forehead, before bending over to pick up his suitcase and skull._

"_Good bye Liv," Brian said softly, giving her one final bittersweet smile as he turned and headed toward the door, the taste of Olivia still lingering on his lips._

"_Good bye Bri," she whispered, her voice so soft she was unsure if he even heard her. As more tears started to flow from her eyes, she dipped her head and noticed one of Brian's sweatshirts laying over the back of the couch._

"_Brian," she called, just as he reached the entrance to the apartment. He turned back to face her, waiting for her to continue. His eyes briefly lit up, thinking she had changed her mind and was going to ask him to stay._

"_You forgot this." Olivia held up the sweatshirt with one hand and swiped at her tears with the other hand, not wanting him to see that she was breaking down already._

_Brian's face fell as soon as the words left Olivia's mouth. His final fleeting hope had been unknowingly dashed. "You keep it Liv. Something to remember me by. I know you love to sleep in it," he replied. He could feel tears welling up in his eyes and knew it wouldn't be long before they were spilling down his face. The thought of her sleeping in his sweatshirt, while wrapped in another man's arms was almost too much to bear._

"_Thanks. And Brian?"_

"_Yeah?"_

"_You don't ever have to worry about me forgetting you," she choked out, no longer trying to hide her tears._

"_I'll never forget you either Liv. If I couldn't get you out of my mind for thirteen years after a one night stand, I think it's safe to say after two years of dating, you'll be on my mind forever."_

_With that he turned and walked out of the apartment, not even looking back as he pulled the door shut behind him. The tears were now flowing down his face as well and he knew he needed to get out of there. The breakup, as painful as it had been, had at least been mutual and amicable, which was why he needed to leave before one of them said something they might regret, sullying the beautiful relationship that they had shared._

Olivia had replayed that scene at least a thousand times in the past five weeks. It had been all she could think about during her final showdown with Lewis. None of the torture he inflicted on her in the final two days they spent together even came close to wounding Olivia the way her breakup with Brian had. There had been more cigarette burns, more alcohol, more handcuffs & duct tape, a gun to her head, but Olivia felt none of it. And when it looked like the end was near, like her squad would not arrive to save her before Lewis put a bullet in her brain, all she could think was that the overwhelming heartbreak would soon be over.

But her squad did arrive in time. Lewis was now dead; by his own hands ironically. And Olivia was still alone. She had foolishly hoped that when Brian heard about Lewis he would be back. But he hadn't come back and she really couldn't blame him. She never let down her walls to tell him what happened with Lewis the first time and she had basically told him the only reason they were ever together was to get each other through the dark times. That was a lie though. She was with Brian because she loved him and she would still be with him if he had wanted to marry her and have children with her.

So now here she was in her dark apartment, all alone, thinking about her life in terms of dates. It had been six weeks since she and Brian broke up. Five weeks since she last saw him. Four weeks since Lewis was shot and killed. Two weeks since her suspension for lying under oath was over. One week since her already disastrous life completely imploded.

That had been the day she made the mistake of calling Brian's cell phone. She had something important she needed to tell him and after debating for hours and finally talking herself into making the call, she dialed his number, only to hear the voice of a bubbly woman on the other end of the line. She couldn't even bring herself to respond to the woman. And as she was hanging up she heard the voice say, "Bri I answered your phone for you but I guess it was a wrong number."

Brian, obviously recognizing her number, had tried to call her back several times but she always let it go to voice mail. He left a message but when she never returned it he must have given up because he had not called her back since that fateful day. She knew she might be overreacting. That it could have been a coworker or a friend who answered his phone. But the woman called him "Bri", as if she knew him on a more personal level.

If Brian had a new girlfriend, or was just hooking up with a random girl for the night, she didn't want to think about it. Especially not today. Today's date was the real reason she had left work early. Today would have been her and Brian's two year anniversary. Months ago they had decided to go away to the Finger Lakes for a long weekend to celebrate. Brian had booked a room at a little bed and breakfast and unbeknownst to Olivia had also planned a romantic dinner that was to end in a proposal. Although the thought of kids was not one Brian had really entertained, he did know he was ready to take the next step and make Olivia his forever. They had both taken Friday off so they could leave Thursday evening after work and wouldn't have to return until Sunday night. 72 hours of uninterrupted bliss.

But instead of spending the weekend drinking wine, cuddling on the balcony overlooking a spectacular view, and making love over and over again in a king sized bed with Egyptian cotton sheets, Olivia was spending the day nursing her broken heart, imagining the life she could have had, trying in vain to block out the thoughts of Brian moving on.

She was just about to leave her spot on the couch, to dump her untouched cup of tea in the sink before going to bed when she heard a knock at her door. She briefly contemplated ignoring it and continuing toward her bedroom, but the knocking persisted and was gradually getting louder. Heaving an exasperated sigh she abandoned her mug and plate on the coffee table prior to walking to the front door. In typical post-Lewis fashion, she checked the peekhole before opening the door.

Olivia gasped and took a small step back when she saw who was waiting in the hallway. His back was to her at the moment but Olivia would recognize those broad shoulders and that sexy ass anywhere. What was he doing here? He had probably realized he forgot something when he moved out and came to retrieve it. But today of all days? She could not deal with this tonight. She stood silently in the entryway for what felt like an eternity hoping he had given up and left, assuming she was not home. When it seemed like enough time had passed since the last knock, she lightly crept back to the door and peeked through the small hole again at the exact moment that Brian knocked one last time against the door.

The sudden loud noise startled Olivia and she let out a small shriek and jumped away from the door.

"I know you're in there Liv. Just let me in," Brian raised his voice to be heard through the thick door.

Had he been crying? Or was he drunk? Something about Brian's voice didn't sound quite right. Olivia hesitated a moment longer before finally giving in and slipping the chain off as well as undoing the deadbolt and opening the door for him, bringing herself face to face with Brian for the first time in weeks. The look on his face indicated he was surprised that she had given in so easily.

For the next few minute the two one-time lovers stood silently just taking the other in, neither sure exactly what to say. There had been a time when they were never at a loss for words around one another. That time had ended long before they actually split but Olivia could never quite put her finger on what precipitated the change. She conceded that Lewis probably played a large part in it but that wasn't the only factor that shattered their previously blissful existence. Her promotion, his transfer to IAB, all the undercover, the negative pregnancy test-it was like one giant out of control snowball hurtling down a hill.

As she stood there contemplating their demise she found herself taking in Brian's appearance. It was only as an afterthought that she noticed he was a disheveled mess. There were dark circles under his bloodshot eyes and a couple days worth of scruff covered his sunken in cheek bones. His hair, which had grown out since she last saw him, was sticking out in all directions. His favorite gray long sleeved t-shirt and worn-in jeans, wet from the elements, hung loosely on his usually toned frame. And there was no mistaking the smell of stale beer that hung in the air between them. When he spoke there was no disguising the timidity in his voice. "Can I come in for a minute?"

"I'm not sure that's such a good idea," she replied, her voice wavering as she spoke.

"Please Liv." The puppy dog look she knew so well was written all over his face as he begged for entrance to his former home.

"Brian just tell me what you forgot and I'll go get it for you," she said with a sigh. She was not going to ruin the sacredness of this day with a drunken, regret-filled roll in the sheets with her former boyfriend, no matter how much she missed and needed him.

"No Liv. It's not like that. Please just let me come in and talk to you. I have something I need to tell you," he pleaded with her, a sense of urgency in his words.

Against her better judgment, Olivia stepped to one side and motioned him through the open door. Together they made their way down the short hallway to the living room. Olivia resumed her previously vacated position on the couch while Brian paced back and forth behind the chair.

"You look good Liv." Brian had heard about Lewis's escape and the ordeal that followed and he was surprised that she wasn't displaying any of the obvious physical reminders of the attack, like she had after their first ill-fated encounter.

"Thanks, so do…." Her words trailed off as she realized she was about to utter a blatant lie. He had never looked worse. Although she couldn't decipher why, when he was the one who had already moved on, while she sat at home every night nursing her broken heart and dissecting every moment of their failed relationship. Hoping he would ignore her blunder, she gave him a slight smile urging him to get past the idle chit chat and onto why he had really come.

On his way over here he had thought of so many things he needed to say to her, but now that he was here, back in "their" apartment he couldn't formulate a single thought. Maybe he had made a huge mistake. He was so lost in his jumbled thoughts he didn't even realize Olivia was talking to him at first.

"Brian, can you please sit down? You're making me nervous. And a little seasick," Olivia begged him, swallowing the sour taste in her mouth.

"Huh? Oh sure thing Liv." Brian started to sit on the other end of the couch but noticing the uncomfortable look that appeared on Olivia's face he opted for the chair instead.

Brian ran his hands over his face a few times and took a deep breath in an attempt to calm his nerves. Why was this so hard? He knew what he had to do. If only he could be assured he would get the response he was hoping for. Taking one last look into Olivia's expectant eyes, Brian threw caution to the wind and forged ahead with his speech.

"Listen Liv, I have something I need to tell you so if you could just let me get it out and not interrupt."

Olivia nodded her agreement as she pulled her legs up onto the couch and draped the small throw blanket across them, bracing herself for whatever he was about to say.

"Okay, here goes. Liv, I want to grow old with you."

The minute the words left Brian's mouth the entire dynamic in the small apartment changed. The cloud of hurt and disappointment that hung over them morphed into an aura of hope and possibility.

"I'm sorry, what did you say?" Olivia stuttered, squinting at Brian's shadowy silhouette.

"Liv I know we had our share of disagreements but at the end of the day all that matters is that I fell in love with you fifteen years ago and those feelings have never gone away. I cannot imagine my life without you in it. I want you here for the short run and the long run. I want us to plan a wedding and explore our options regarding kids. I want to paint a nursery and argue over baby names. I want to go to soccer games and high school graduations with you. And someday when our kids are all grown up and the NYPD forces us into retirement, I want to sit with you on the deck of a cruise ship and reminisce about all the good times."

Tears had started to flow from Olivia's eyes and she absent-mindedly wiped at them with the edge of her blanket. She tried to speak but Brian held up his finger indicating that he wasn't quite finished.

"I knew the day I walked out that door with the last of my stuff that we had made a huge mistake but out of respect for you I decided to give it a couple days. I lasted a day and knew I had to see you again. I was on my way to SVU to talk to you when Tucker called me in. Long story short, he sent me undercover again. I was under for about three and a half weeks. When I got back I heard all about Lewis and it absolutely killed me to think that you went through that again; and without me here to get you through the aftermath. I was gonna stop at our—your apartment on my way home that night to check on you but when I got here I saw you getting out of a car with Jimmy Mac and I decided you must have moved on."

At this point Olivia interrupted. "It was just a business dinner," she mumbled. "He was doing a story about Lewis for his online news blog and needed to interview me. He drove me home when it was over but nothing happened. I was still too in love with you."

As an afterthought she added, "So is that why you had the one night stand?"

Brian gave her a puzzled look. "What are you talking about Liv?"

"The woman that answered your phone when I called. That was the day after my dinner with Jimmy."

"Oh that," Brian said as comprehension washed over him. "That was nothing either, I promise. I was upset and went out to a bar, got a little drunk, took a girl back to my hotel. But I couldn't follow through with it. My heart still belongs to you and I felt like I was being unfaithful even if we weren't together anymore."

Olivia let out a breath she didn't realize she'd been holding, after hearing his explanation. Suddenly the physical distance between them was too much for Olivia to take and she crawled across the couch toward Brian reaching her hand out to him.

Brian took her hand in his and placed a gentle kiss on her fingers before releasing her hand. He had one more thing he needed to say to Olivia and he needed to do it now before he lost his courage. "I was planning to do this in the Finger Lakes but I guess this will have to do," he said with a small smile.

Rising from his spot on the chair, Brian reached into the pocket of his jeans and pulled out a small velvet box before dropping to one knee.

"Olivia Benson, I don't want to live another day without you by my side. These past six weeks have been absolute hell. You are my reason for waking up in the morning and the last face I want to see before I go to bed at night. I love the way your nose crinkles when you laugh and how cute you look when you pout. I admire your passion for everything you do.; your loyalty to your friends; your compassion for the victims; your tenacity for getting justice. I have never met a more perfect woman. You're my best friend and the most amazing lover I've ever had. My past was empty without you, my present is better because you're in it, and my future is yours for the taking. So will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?" With that he opened the small box, displaying the most beautiful solitaire diamond ring Olivia had ever seen.

The tears were now streaming down Olivia's face. Never in her wildest dreams could she have imagined this day would turn out like this. She opened her mouth to say yes but stopped herself before the word could slip from her lips.

"What's wrong Liv? Is this not what you want?" A worried expression clouded Brian's sparkling hazel eyes.

"Bri, it's exactly what I've always wanted," Olivia said through the tears. "I just need to be a hundred percent sure this is what you really want. And that you're not just sacrificing your dreams for mine so that we can be together. Because I couldn't handle it if you ended up regretting your decision and walked out on us again."

The smile returned to Brian's face. "I have never been more certain of anything in my life Olivia. You and me, we're endgame babe."

Olivia smiled from ear to ear, her first genuine smile in weeks, as she threw herself forward into Brian's waiting arm. "Yes," she murmured into his neck. "Yes, yes, yes. A thousand times yes. I will marry you Brian Cassidy."

Brian pulled back from her and took a moment to look deep into the eyes of his fiancé before planting a deep sensuous kiss on her lips. The kiss lasted several minutes, each of them relishing in the intimacy that had gone missing long before their breakup six weeks ago. When they finally broke apart, both gasping for air, Brian took the moment to slip the ring onto Olivia's finger. A perfect fit.

Together they climbed up onto the couch. Brian wrapped his arm tightly around Olivia's back as she leaned her head against his shoulder, breathing in his scent, letting the reality of the moment wash over her. She knew there was something she needed to tell him. Something she owed him.

"Bri," she whispered.

"Yeah babe?"

"I want to tell you what happened with Lewis. Both times. All of it. You deserve to know."

"You don't need to tell me anything you don't want to," he said, gently stroking her cheek with his hand.

"No Brian, It's time I told you everything. You were right I was just protecting myself. But I love and trust you more than anyone, so no more secrets."

"Okay. But how about we wait until tomorrow? We've both had long days. Let's just enjoy the last few hours of our anniversary, celebrating our engagement. And tomorrow we'll talk about it," he suggested.

Olivia nodded her head in agreement, snuggling deeper into Brian's arms. "You remembered?"

"Of course I did. I'll never forget the day you visited me in the hospital and announced that you'd changed and were willing to give us a chance. It was the best day of my life. Until today."

"For me too, Brian," Olivia replied.

Brian couldn't wipe the grin off his face as he gazed down at her. All of a sudden something she had said earlier, that at the time he had just brushed aside, came rushing back to him.

"Liv did you say you couldn't handle it if I walked out on 'us'?"

She gave him a small smile and raised her eyebrows suggestively. Before she answered, Olivia reached out for his free hand and weaved it under the fabric of her loose sweatshirt, where it came to rest on her slightly distended stomach. "Yeah, I did. That's why I called you last week. I needed to tell you the pregnancy test was wrong. You're gonna be a daddy."

The look on Brian's face as he caressed her tiny baby bump for the first time, letting her words sink in, said it all. He truly was in it for the long haul—marriage, babies, growing old, all of it. They were going to be just fine.


End file.
